Woof, I'm feeling a little wiped out. Need to go swallow a boat load of 5-HTP and get my ass in gear. The wedding was stunning - Les was literally the most beautiful bride I have ever seen (living or in film) and well Mark was pretty damn pretty himself. The boyfriend, myself and another gay couple had a pretty hysterical time confusing the straight, single chicks (Damn those boys dance well - um, but why are they dancing together?)

Lucky and I were more digustingly in love by the end of the weekend. At one point while dancing at Detour (Hamburger Mary's/Kickers Sunday Tea Dance) I just sat on the edge of the dance floor and discreetly watched my boy doing his thing on the dance floor - a hot, buff little vixen came up to strike up conversation and I smiled and informed him I was kinda busy checking out my boyfriend - he turned to me and said "well if he's your boyfriend why aren't you out there dancing with him?" - "Because", I said "Sometimes you just have to take a few steps back to see what ya really got"...not sure he got it, or I was just rolling, but wow, what a moment.

Anyway - todays D-Day B-day - the big 32. I'm gonna go get all the pics from the weekend developed, hit the gym, get some sun, lunch with my folks, Lucky set me up for a massage this afternoon, then dinner and drinks with my boy and then maybe hit Roscoes. Nothing fancy, no fan fare, no hoopla - I MUST be getting older. ;)

Alrighty, I'm off to the lovely couple pictured in this photo's wedding - never have you met a lovelier, more open-minded and just cool to be around couple in your life. The boy and I take off tomorrow morning and since the impending (and in light of my current unemployed circumstances) 32nd Bday is Tuesday - I'll be having some beach and "other stuff" R&R for the next few days. Be good to yourselves!

In just a scant 9 months the world could be bouncing the first human clone/baby upon it's knee. Sure there's no way around the moral issues and questions raised by the "Stem Cell/Cloning Controversy" - Is this really a humanitarian effort to assist childless couples by the worldwide scientific community, or a convention of modern day young Frankensteins ("Shhhhhh, be veeeeerrry careful of the stairs, they can be very twwweacherooooouuuuuuussss")

But hey - that's sophisticated mumbo jumbo for another day - today let's take a look at "The Softer Side of Sears, oops - I mean Cloning". Imagine the fun possibilities that cloning ourselves, our friends and favorite celebrities offer's us:

• You could have the age-old "It's not you, it's me" conversation for hours with your clone.
  
• Be on first name terms with cloning celeb's like Dolly the Sheep and George Bush (before arguing that he's not a clone - think twice about it)
  
• Finally the truth is known, am I as good in the sack as I think I am??
  
• No more "Entertainment Tonight" segments on will Katie Couric move to another morning show - she'll be on ALL the morning show's, Katie clones EVERYWHERE.
  
• "One-of-a-Kind" outfits ????!!!!! Forgettaboutit !!!! Your dressing for 2, 3, 4, maybe 8 now!
  
• No more boring dinner's with the In-Laws, meetings with the boss, conversations with your boyfriend (just kidding honey!), let your clone pick-up the slack.
  
• Let's really fuck with the census people!
  
  No matter how you slice it (ba-dum-bum) cloning is fun for everyone!!
  (The views expressed on this web site and within this blog are not supported by anyone even the person making them. This blog will self destruct in 30 seconds...
  1....2....3...4....5....6....7...8....9....10....for god's sake go SAFE yourself !)

  

Hmmm, is it me or is there something in the air??

First Jonno, Now Blogstalker.

Bloggus Interruptus, Writer's Block, Artistic Apathy....what's going on in Blogville ???

Do we suddenly get tired of trying to be interesting?

Do we suddenly feel tied and bound to our computers and our blogs?

Is the summer heat just too much ?? ("it is too hot to blog, we must fuck now" - you need to have seen "Body Heat" to get this attempt at wit)

Or is it something far more insidious (like the Bush administration) ?

Seeing that I spaced on blogging for the last 6 days I know I'm starting to sail in the same boat (but what sexy shipmates I have) so for all involved I have decided to make a list of possible blog subjects to blog on:

• "Blogville Death Matches" . Much like "Celebrity Death Matches" we begin to pair bloggers of different belief's and ideoligies to spar in a cage (ala "Mad Max and the Thunderdome"). Right now I am scouring web sites looking for a Black-haired, White-faced Goth Master into Marilyn Manson to get a Broadway Musical-sized ass-whooping from the lovable Mermaniac
  
• "Love Life Inventory". We've inventoried our fridges, bathroom cabinets and wardrobes, how 'bout our love lifes? Write a chronological tell-all blog detailing the crushes, the CRUSHES, the flirtations, the loves, the losses and the "if I ever see that bastard in a dark alley even the rats will run scared" 's. Please supply full names, mailing addresses, photographs and any embarrassing answering machine messages....we, uh need these for, uh, um - references.
  
• "Pick the Missing DC Intern". Sleuthing after the fact is fun, but pulllllllleeeeeeezzzzeee, let's get in the game and pick the intern "before" her DCA sleaze-bag, pretty-boy, politician boss has her knocked off by his psycho brother (I mean not like it happened that way). Qualities to look for: Unique/Confusing first name, "Glamour Shots" taking at the mall, enjoys affairs with older, married men.
  
• "Role Reversal". Well sure pretty much all of us in this reader's circle are gay (We're FABULOUS!) but how would the point of views of our web sites change if we were straight - I mean I'm sure if I was straight I would be obsessed with sex, always cracking witty/smart ass commentary at life at large, be unemployed and working out every day...oh, uh, aw shit - same Blog, never mind!
  
• "Confuse an UnAccompanied Minor". Actually this is more or less the theme for a new FOX reality show I'm pitching where we take innocent, frightened, unaccompianed minors and then place them on major airlines and make them feel like luggage (you think your gonna end up WHERE ??? buhahahahahahahahaaha!!). The show will incorporate great close-ups of the little cherub's faces as we put them on a coast-to-coast connecting flight from ATL-ORD-DEN-PHX-SFO, whoooooo - non-stop laughs - I'm tearing up as I write.

Ok, checking out Jonno's blog and see his reference to taking a gay test and thought "Oh well it's not 830am yet - I can take the test and still hit the gym" (yeah, yeah - my days still aren't tremendously busy and I'm STILL looking for a job...anyone need a slightly rumpled but loveable Director of Marketing/Interactive Strategist??)

So I'm 68% gay...but the typical Gay Male is only 51% gay - WHAT??? So I'm 17% more gay then the average gay guy taking this test - and on the world wide average of 68K respondants I was 29% more gay - UH?

Ok, I like to be an overachiever but have always secretly relished my title as one of those guys you weren't quite sure would punch ya or fuck ya if you hit on him. A couple of my buddies have some name they have created for me, something like the "rough-trade deceiver" - but now the truth is out, I'm not "all man", but a "big girl". ;)


I know it's the sex questions that did me in.

• First Kiss with a guy: 12
  
• Came Out: 16
  
• Number of Men I've Slept with: !@#$$ (uh, not telling - I was a horny lil shit before marriage)
  
• Group Sex: Yes, please (oops - I mean yeah I tried it)
  
  Oh well I've lived the lie, I'm moving "gayly" forward - wish me luck.

Damn! I have no energy to rewrite the post I wrote today but since it was basically an artillery of venom against organizations like this, I'll let you get riled up yourself.

Oh - I am in a much, much better mood today thanks to a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend (Sex, Beer, Friends and cathartic talks)

Congrats to Bill/ Mermaniac on his 24 hour Blogging-polloza and inspiration of nudity all over the world!

I don't think you want to see what's in my head today. I better go catch a flick or something - I feel like crawling into someone else's world today. xoxo.

I am the emotional, whirling dervish, oscillating wildly 'tween rapture and despair, giggles and fits.

I hate being an emotional roller-coaster - rickety-crick-creak, rickety-crick-creak as the rusty red rollercoaster car climbs the first incline, the wheels grasping weakly - desperately to the rails

(the boyfriend leaves for work - the roomate leaves for work, it's me and the cats again - I feel like a mother seeing her kids off to school then turning to face an empty & lonely house - no remnants of feeling of "home" remain. Fuck the gym today I think - I'm just not in the mood, I start the laundry, make the bed, do the dishes *naked if that makes it less boring*, when all is done I notice how the quiet floods in from every corner - the tv snaps on with the press of my thumb - angry teenage girls - from periods to prostitution - shit, not in the mood for this...gym clothes go on and I'm out the door)

- rickety-creak-crick-clap, rickety-crick-creak the rollercoaster car halts, stalls, then lunges down the hill of iron and wood, the wheels scream - "I can hold on" and metal slips on metal, as sparks dance

(I get to the gym, I hit the bike and pound my legs, sweath pours forth, a "by chance" conversation with an old friend spotted while we crunch against inflatable balls. I tell him my story and he offers words that are chosen and wise - I believe they call it "advice". I feel exhilirated, I feel bold, I want to race back into the day.)

- clap-grip-clap-steel, rickety-crick-creak the rollercoaster car grabs hold and shakes the steel, pulling up the tracks, grunt-grunt-grunt.

(A call placed to my old employer. The fake motherly bitch from HR - "Oh so good to hear from me, oh how am I, oh how they miss me" - what?? "Oh no dear we haven't got your final check, Oh no we weren't doing that to the end of the month, Oh you know things are tough here at the agency to, Oh I don't think we owe you for that much vacation time". My blood boils, my eyes could bore holes. The boyfriend calls - I want to be understood - I want to be heard - I want some sweetness - his timing is bad - not his fault. )

- wooooooooooosh, the rollercoaster trembles-jerks-flails as it tears down the rails - the sparks, turn to flames. The rollercoaster is on fire.

ok - the look of my site has got to change - sooooooon. I just am screwed if I try to do any coding on my boyfriends computer (can you believe 24MB of RAM ???? Thank god the man has everything else going for him). I have a domain reserved and could just move the all site over to it, but I'm just kinda apathetic about taking on the project. Actually that's kind of a lie - it's more than apathetic - it's like this feeling where everytime I tell myself to just start the project with the intention of finishing it - my whole body just involuntarily does this squirming thing (since I no longer have medical coverage I feel I should avoid these seizures as much as possible).

So Lucky's at school and the roomate is MIA or BOMC (Back of Milk Carton), perhaps I'll add him to my new take off on "www.amihotornot.com" that I've been talking about in the side bars, called: http://www.amimissingornot.com

I'm bored, really bored. I could read. I could call friends. I've already jerked off twice. I just - aw shit, here comes that seizure again....

I was never this lazy, I just don't feel like being holed up in the house by myself, and well, a year has passed - it's not like there is anyone I can just call up and say "Hey - you wanna go have coffee with me and discuss, well - me". I'm looking for a break-through conversation, a slap my ass and call me sonny epithany, a lightbulb that bursts above my head and showers sparks deep into my soul, anyone got the time - the right words - a strong spanking hand ???

et-i-quette\ 'e-ti-ket\ n. : the forms prescribed by custom or authority to be observed in social, official, or professional life. (synonyms: proprietary, decorum, decency, diginity

Perhaps it's how we are raised, or even more so, maybe it's who we "chose" to be in later life - but I find my move back to be an interesting lesson in etiquette and behavior.

Why do people who know me socially feel a need to comment on my move back to AZ with such clever statements as "Why would you do something so stupid?", why do people neglect to celebrate with my boyfriend and I the very significant and life changing decision to move in together (I deem it as extremely important and not an everyday occurence - I mean I would have gotten a friend in this situation a card to celebrate this big step in their life with the person they loved) and why do people strike a coorelation between "unemployed" and "free time". I feel busier than ever, try looking for a job in today's economy and see how much of your time it absorbs (add on to that packing up and moving 2,000 miles then moving in and there's no time left) - but I have had several people ask me - "Well what do you do all day??"

In light of this I am beginning the list of the follow prepared responses:

I sort through "your" garbage - and I am shocked.

Prepare for my walk-on role on "The Nanny" - what it's not on the air anymore - bastards ! That's why they haven't returned my calls.

Chase my tail in circles.

Watch porn, lot's of porn. heh-heh.

Masturbate - frequently. (often paired with the above response when the person responds - "no, really?"

Drink rubbing alcohol with my old gal-pal Kitty Dukakis - fill'er up sistah!

Contemplate my navel

I have rewritten "Little Women" to include more sex, drugs and references to shower-nozzle masturbation.

Watch "Where Are They Now" segments praying for more news on lovable TV star, Tina Yothers.

Play "Where's Chandra?"

Rewrite history - we now own Sweden lock, stock and barrell.

OK - last night was the first big night back on the town - man, I just can't drink like I'm 21 anymore - my stomach is planning a protest that makes the G8 summit demonstrations seem tame.

I need to learn to curb my jealousy - I felt the green-eyed monster creep up on numerous occassions when guys would approach my boyfriend - who knew him in my absence (some "knew" him way too well for my taste but we both agreed an open relationship was the only way to manage the 2000 mile distance) - it's just so frigging hard to come face-to-face with these people and see that feeling of intimacy or "knowing" them seemed to have of the man who is the love of my life, my everything. I know it's just sex, I'm more secure with myself then this but man did I start feeling like just crawling inside myself and turning off the lights.

Topping the overwhelming queasy sensation was running into my boyfriends ex. When you just move in with someone - the last thing you want a reminder of is the last person they lived with. My normal selfless/sadomasochistic side made me encourage my boyfriend to be friendly and speak to his ex, of course then I felt myself closing up as I just stood there watching them talk and thought "Shit, don't let us become that - please I never want to use the word ex-boyfriend again".

I hate this side of myself - "Do I look fat in this Blog??" I hate being insecure, wondering what the other guys thoughts are, worrying my boyfriend may not have completely sowed his oats, worrying that I may not be enough...it's natural, it will pass - right?

I need some time to settle in here, get my bearings straight, I feel like I'm at a party and I don't know the host - ya know where you keep going up to everyone at the party being overly nice because your worried you'll accidently be rude to the person whose house your in, walking on eggshells...I hope I figure out whose holding this shing-ding soon.

I am sick of hearing about Chandra Levy - I assure the media there ARE other people missing in this world.

Well got in safe and sound on Tuesday night around 8pm...It was so odd driving through the mountain pass coming down from Flagstaff, AZ. A huge storm had started over Phoenix and from my vantage point I saw both the dark and ominous clouds as they gathered and poured forth rain and the huge, vibrant full rainbow that this storm created. As Paul Oakenfeld's remake of Vangelis's Blade Runner Soundtrack played on my car stereo it was hard not to have a rather spiritual moment. I hope this was a sign of something fortuitous - beauty breaking through and being brought forth by a tumultuous storm.

Very little time to blog right now. trying to incorporate my life with Lucky's - for the couple's out there - advice is appreciated - you should see the look on his face when I started hanging all my clothes (INSERT HERE: self descriptive word "clothes horse"). Grocery shopping as a couple "living-together" was oddly fun and very sweet.
I love him, we will figure out how to cohabitate, with a couple of scratches and bruises on our personal space and need to control along the way.

Gotta go - must find a job and go visit the folks.

Blogs from the Road, Travel's NOT with Charlie, The Road THAT WAS Taken:

So it's done. How odd. Suddenly it was just done. I stood in my little Milwaukee downtown city apartment and went from room to room and shut off the light and closed the door. I cleaned like Lady Macbeth - "out,out damn spot", it wasn't til much later I realized I wasn't cleaning an apartment but trying to control the moment. I didn't control getting laid off, I wasn't necessarily moving back to AZ on my own terms, my goodbyes and going away parties didn't necessarily go off as planned - but I could control how clean I made this apartment and for some cathartic need - I made it shine.

I realized something about all that has happened. I do not own all of the situations that lead to this moment, but I do own my actions that I take regarding this moment, I will survive, then I will start over, then I will triumph - I mean I am a Leo for goodness(or badness) sakes.

So I climbed on the Interstate 94 about 10pm - logic said just go to bed and start in the morning, but I didn't want to wake up in Milwaukee. I wanted to wake up (as I did), miles away. So here I sit typing to you in a Motel 6 (I spotted Donald Trump in the very next room ordering in) in Bloomington. IL. (dead-center in the middle of Illinois off of the 55 Interstate). I'm going to go grab a cup of coffee and some eats and then it's back on the road, a long day of driving ahead for me.

Think of me, ok? 2000 miles is a lot of terrain to fuck up in - get cut off by a madman and end up in a ditch, have my car have a blowout - who knows, but think a good thought - "Get me to my boyfriend, my new life, my new home, in one piece".

Happy trails.

ok - comments are working again

sur-re-al - adj. 1. : having the intense irrational reality of a dream   2. : of our relating to surrealism

pride - n 1. : CONCEIT   2. : justifiable self-respect   3. : elation over an act or possession   4. : haughty behavior : DISDAIN   5. : ostentatious display

lost - adj. 1. : not used, won, or claimed   2. : no longer possessed or known   3. : ruined or destroyed physically or morally   4. : DENIED; also: HARDENED   5. : unable to find the way; also: HELPLESS   6. : ABSORBED, RAPT   7. : not appreciated or understood

My going away parties begin tommorrow night, WOW - it's over, my "Year of Living Dangerously" - not quite (well the Chicago portion definately) - the first year of my life that I ever lived in a state not occupied by a relative (except for that second cousin who I still never had dinner with, which my Pop is gonna bitch about forever).

So here I sit in Hiroshima devastation, my cute little city apartment with the hardwood floors and funky fire-escape-esque balcony - that I'm still sure is haunted. God - I adored this little place. All my belongings covering the floor, boxes - some full, some open...wondering when those next two paychecks are spent - how am I gonna make it. Will I go from the life of Director to the life of a waiter? Will I drive my boyfriend insane or will he fall deeper in love with me? What will my AZ friends say, have they moved on, will they pity me behind my back, will they recognize me as the same guy who left his safe cocoon, or will they see how much I've grown and the man I've become (yeah - I'm avoiding the butterfly reference - too girly)

I need to - shit, I need to do so many things, I keep holding off - I don't want to hug Dan & Drew (my Chicago Father/Brother, Buddies/Siblings, Confidantes/Comrades) goodbye, Leslie & Mark - what am I gonna do without them (she - the most beautiful girl you'll ever see was in such shock last night), who will Ellena spare with? and will Mike & Jonah (what alternating heartache and happiness we brought to each others lives) make it in SFO on their own difficult journey?

I feel like I'm walking out in the middle of the movie, throwing an unfinished book out the window, writing a love letter and leaving out the adjectives...I'm gonna get weak soon, I'm gonna cry, I'm dreading saying the first goodbyes tomorrow - I can hear the little rips tearing into my heart.

I'll be fine, I have always been one of those guys who always ends up fine...but right now it's the moment in the movie, when the scene touches you and for a moment you lose your breath, your eyes well with tears and you squeeze your boyfriends hand for reassurance.

shit - got to fix the reblogger again, my fault screwed it up.

I'm wiped - what did I do with all my personal errands and shit when I had a job ? Seems like there is never time in the day. Pretty much selling off or giving away all of my belongings (haven't I been here before?) and beginning my possession-less journey back to AZ. Feel kinda like one of those restless nomads who wears to much denim in a movie of the week : he breezes into town, not a care in the world - but carrying all of life's frustrations square on his back, who is this mysterious stranger (and does he put out?)

Moving is a downward-spiral with a spring at the bottom that somehow sends you right back up, Windex on a crystal ball whose contents turned out to be blurred of their on accord no matter how much shine you bring to that sphere...you know it's late and it's tired if I'm getting poetic on you.

So It's odd - I have so much on my mind, but I'm blogging less. Today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday, Joey. I feel cheated I couldn't wish him Happy Birthday today, tell him he's still very important to me, how everytime I see a picture of that goofy smile and boyish face I want to give him an unbreakable bear-hug - I feel like I was so young when I met him even though it was only five years ago. I mean anyone who reads my blog knows my heart belongs to 'Lucky' my current boyfriend/my lobster who this time next week I will be living with in sunny Phoenix, Arizona. But all of this picking up and sorting through my pack rat collection of belongings always brings Joey back in my mind (nostalgia, heartache, sentimentality), add to that his birthday and then go one step further to the fact that this will be the first birthday since 1996 that I didn't call or anything.

Why ? Well I couldn't even if I wanted to. Joey sent me a one email letter one day in the winter - he and his boyfriend were moving to Long Beach (if you are a Long Beach blogger - please do not attempt to go put all the facts together - Joe is a very private person - I respect that and do not wish to intrude on his privacy) and then he was gone, no forwarding address, no phone number, gone.

It was probably for the best, he had his life, I had mine, but how odd that that person could have been such an important part of my first few years out of college and not wanted to see where I had ended up or wanted to share the same with me. Does he hope I succeeded or dreamed that I failed - right now I'm no longer sure which it is. Does he still play the guitar when he's blue? Did he change his side of the bed? How many cups of coffee is he up to in the morning? Does he think the Cohen Brothers have lost their touch? How are his folks? Brother? Sister? If he found out I was laid-off, would his initital thought be sadness or would he wonder if I didn't do a good enough job? Does he ever open the old birthday cards from me and think what I'm thinking right now, how stupid we are for writing "here's to many, many more birthday's together".

ugh -I'm so behind in blogging, trying to through together a new look...maybe

nope - looked like shit - looked so much better in CF Studio....bummer

Ok something is frigging up with blogger today - these updates are taken forever.

beverage: coffee :: black (no cream, no sugar, no milk, no Amaretto, if you want a Mocha - order one - that's Ok - I'll wait til you come back)

listening: Tracy Chapman :: Crossroads :: This Time (you know you know the lyrics often sung through a veil of bitter tears..."this time I won't show I'm vunerable, this time I won't give in first, this time I will hold out with my love, this time I will not be hurt, I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else, I'm gonna treat me right...", don't you just feel Tracy has been crushed and screwed over by every woman in town?)

reading:Hot Jobs, Monster and BrilliantPeople - ugh.

watching: Bigger is Better :: Classic John Summers/Matt Sterling (Rick Donovan, Matt Ramsey, Doug Stevens - woof, how porn should be - well at least I'll be watching and enjoying as soon as I finish this blog)

flying: Newark (EWR), NJ. - then off to Parsippany (I doubt I spelled that right, but I haven't had enough of forementioned "beverage" to get up and go look for a map or dictionary - please continue to love me despite my unforgiveable spelling), NJ to meet my boyfriends parents.

dreading: Refer to "flying" and forementioned final destination.

packing: Conservative Son-in-Law wear :: Banana Republic wearables (Brown Stretch Short Sleeve, Brown Irish Linen Long Sleeve, Green Polo Shirt, Black 3 Button Suit with a Dress shirt and Tie that's colors only a BR employee could explain but do work well together - and several pairs of their clever boxer shorts (yes folks - "boxers" never briefs, and more frequently when no In-Laws are around - "Commando" -definately "Commando"), Kenneth Cole wearables (Black/Square-Toe/Dress Ankle Boot, Brown/Reaction/Camper Shoe, Brown V-neck/Wool-Acrylic Blend/Sweater - ya never know East Coast weather), Big Star wearables (2 pair - 1976/Digger/Vintage Blue - 1 Indigo, 1 Faded to perfection)

feeling: A bit out of sorts

hoping: To sort out the forementioned "feeling"

running: Late, need to hit the gym, pick-up the suit from dry cleaners, go buy a new black BR belt to replace the one somewhere on a dance floor in Orlando, Fl., finish packing, jerk-off, shower and get to airport by Noon.