Inspired by the lovely
Jonno, I did my astrological birth chart stuff. Man, do I sound like one messy dope:
Sun in Leo, Moon in Virgo
You were born with the Sun in Leo and the Moon in Virgo. Internally, Leo has a fiery, ardent, and overpowering psychological makeup. The predominantly Leonian individual is dignified, proud, commanding, powerful, and magnanimous. These qualities are not very well expressed in terms of the personality, because the Moon in Virgo introduces a different influence; it restrains these characteristics, emphasizing your more practical side, such as performing services for others. These qualities conflict with the Leonian, and unless you somehow attempt to harmonize your internal self with your personality role you will be an unhappy person.
Notice that though internally you burn with the desire for authority and power, the role of the Virgo is that of service and a subordinate position. The only area in which Virgo and Leo do agree is that Leo gives tremendous clarity and perspective concerning the pride, emotions, and ideas of other people, while Virgo gives an analytical capacity which facilitates deep comprehension. Virgo inhibits the natural traits of a predominantly Leonian individual, causing you to occupy a lower position in life and to be subjected to much snubbing.
Others see you as a person who does not want to take the lead in all matters (although you secretly harbor the desire to do just that). You are attentive, careful, and observant. Outwardly, you are pure in love and sexual matters, but inwardly, you have a devouring passion. Try to harmonize the power of Leo with the cleverness of Virgo, and you will have total success, both in material concerns and in your relationships with others.
Ascendant in Virgo, Mercury in the First House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Virgo was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Mercury is located at the first house.
This indicates that throughout your life you will assume a reserved, quiet, analytical, critical, and receptive attitude.
Although you are not an individual with a very strong ambition, you possess the ability to persevere and exert ingenuity.
Some selfishness is noted. However, if you are able to counteract this negative trait with your natural helpful and sympathetic attitude and address your positive qualities to resolve the problems of others then you will accomplish your highest spiritual duties and your degree of consciousness and perception will be expanded.
You are not afraid to work but you like to do things where you can use intellectual resources rather than mechanical ones. There is some independence here but don't try to be forceful about it because Virgo's natural habitat is one in which the person is led by some powerful authority and where the important decisions are best made by others.
You are very attentive to detail and this makes you a good worker, especially so in those jobs that require a great deal of precision and observation. You have a desire for purity and though you don't mind relating to others there is something that you do dislike: continuous intrusion of your privacy. What will your life be like? We think it will be one in which business and practicality are to be very important. Although we are not advising you to turn against your natural traits, which make you slightly cold and reserved, we would suggest that when in love you let yourself relax and respond so as to be able to return some of the affection you are receiving.
Life will find you in many situations in which you will function as advisor and counsellor; make use of these opportunities to project the power of your creativeness.
This makes you a person to whom success is available through personal effort. You are ambitious, swift, intellectual, and possess some sort of scientific vocation; your speech is fluent and eloquent. You are a useful and beneficial person.
Your activities should be those that are intense, varied and require intelligence. You love detailed work: writing, collecting, acting as a middle man, selling, and communicating. You are an excellent critic and analyst.
Moon in the First House
The Moon is in the first house. This position indicates that you are strongly influenced by your feelings and moods.
Your awareness of yourself is influenced by your momentary feelings, and this perception is subject to rapid changes of mood and emotion. In time, you will learn to understand why you react as you do to various situations, and then you can begin to change your response patterns and take more control of your life.
Others sense your lack of emotional self-sufficiency and tend to get involved in your personal affairs, even if you try to prevent it. You express your sensitivity through an emotional need to nurture and be nurtured by others. While you would like to have guidance and supervision concerning your goals and objectives, it would be better to achieve your aims independently so that you will not feel obligated to others.
The advantage of this position lies in your ability to sense other people's needs and desires.
In fact, you have a calming effect on people who are under stress, and this makes you ideally suited for working with the public.
Moon Conjunct Ascendant
The Moon conjunct the Ascendant shows that you have some emotional hangups. You want close, intimate contacts with others, but you tend to keep people at arm's length because you are afraid you will become obligated to them.
You are a mass of contradictions - making demands on people but complaining when they do the same to you; expecting others to make overtures to you and withdrawing when they do. Although you are highly imaginative, you react to stimulating people in a generally negative and critical way.
On the surface you are independent, but you yearn for a quieter role in which you can enjoy the comfort of knowing that someone really cares for you. This can only happen when you lower your defensive barriers and learn to compromise by meeting people halfway.
Saturn in the Ninth House
Saturn, the ruler of destiny, was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. This indicates that your concern over the impermanence of all things will urge you to restrict your personality traits and assume a position of caution and planning before pursuing any important matter.
In a practical sense, your attitude to all higher intellectual functions is that of a studious, serious, and meditative person. You must, however, be attentive to the possible presence of several negative elements in your intellectual make-up such as depression, fear, and severity.
Venus in the Eleventh House
Venus, the planet of beauty and love, was found in the eleventh house at the time of your birth. Your aspirations in life are very aesthetically oriented.
You strive for peace and harmony and if it were left up to you the whole world would be more humane, kind, and considerate. In your more personal relationships, Venus gives you the capability of obtaining substantial gain and assistance through your friends, who will desire to assist you with the best of intentions.
Sun in the Twelfth House
The Sun, the king of this celestial system, was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. This may indicate a life full of limitations, obstacles, and human opposition.
You are urged to make an about face and confront your own accumulated history. Take some time for introspection. It may result in a purification process accompanied by some remorse of conscience.
Internally, you are quite different from the way you present yourself externally. You possess a vast reservoir of energy that may be partially hidden even from your own awareness.
Your internal disposition is strong, commanding, open, and of a rare generosity. More and more you should try to bring these characteristics into the open so that they can overcome some of the less desirable aspects of your personality.
Just a slightly beefcake-ish shot in case my boyfriend is reading while he's 3000 miles away.
Does anyone have an epiphany I can borrow? I need one. 
